last night I couldn't get to sleep, and this morning I woke up at 5am and have been up since. sometimes it doesn't matter, it doesn't bother me at all and i feel more confident towards my future. i have no problem waking up and moving on with my life. other days, it seems impossible. i feel so confused and frustrated, mostly at myself which if you ask me, is the most frustrating kind of frustration. "i could have done better. i could have tried harder. i could have made more risks" is what i repeat over and over in my mind. i feel like the problem is MINE. that I didn't do a good enough job. that I somehow failed and messed up.
but this isn't my fault. the whole entire time, i was myself. i acted the way i would have in any other situation. it's truly not my fault that i'm not more open. that i don't throw myself out there as much. that i don't convey my feelings by taking people's pants off. i'm more shy and reserved. it takes a lot to get to know me and lot of effort for me to trust you and open up to you. this isn't something i should be ashamed of or blame myself for. if you didn't fight for me, it's your loss. i feel like i made a good amount of effort and if that wasn't enough, so be it.
it's easy to blame people. if something goes wrong, we always have to point the finger. it doesn't matter if it's at ourselves, or the other party. just as long as someone is the problem, it seems that the problem is less bearable. the thing about this situation is i truly feel like there is no one to blame. as angry as i feel towards you and as hurt as i am, you did nothing wrong. you're a human and you're making some stupid decisions right now. i don't agree with them and it sucks because you won't find me here when it's all over, if you even care, but i can't blame you. you have no idea. and it didn't work out. that's neither your fault nor mine. it's just.... how life goes i suppose. it sucks and i hate it and it is what it is.
http://youtu.be/AQH3dS7LiIE
No comments:
Post a Comment