nice weather we're having, eh?

ever since I was little, I've thought of myself as being shy. of course once I feel close & comfortable with someone, the coyness melts away and I'm completely outgoing (can't get me to shut up). but it's hard for me to talk to strangers or people I don't know very well. part of the reason why it took me 2 years to get a job is because I never had the balls to talk to managers. even now while I'm at work, I avoid answering the phone as much as I can because I am terrified at the thought of talking to someone I don't know on the phone.

I've met some of my most favorite "celebs" and even those conversations were pretty empty because I was simply horrified. It's interesting because every time I tell my close peers (including my own mother) that I'm shy, they tell me I'm crazy. I respond by telling them they don't know what I'm feeling inside when I'm in a situation where I'm with people I don't know.

I've taken several quizzes and discovered that I am 50% introverted and 50% extroverted. I thrive off of being alone and off of being with others. that makes so much sense to me because there's times where I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I just want to have fun. so I'll say & do whatever I please. but then there's those times where I'm so paranoid and on edge about the silliest things. I think it goes hand in hand with my coy spirit.

I have this memory of when I was a little girl. my mom would introduce me to her adult friends and their not-so-adult children. I was so painfully shy that I would just close my eyes and hide behind my mom's pea-coat. now every time I feel uncomfortable, I'm put on the spot, I have to make a responsible/adult decision, etc. I imagine myself closing my eyes and hiding behind my mom's coat.

well, I discovered something about a year ago and a conversation I had with one of my best friends several weeks ago has got me stuck thinking about this issue of me being "shy."

I cannot stand small talk. the older I get, the more I'm faced with it. I absolutely dread the thought of empty conversations about things with no value. don't get me wrong, I appreciate when people who don't know me make an effort to get to know me by pleasantly talking about "their cat's new blanket" and such. but I'm such a get-to-the-point person. if I like you as a person, I want to know you. I want to know everything about you. so if you ever find me asking you about your dog or what your favorite color is, you can be sure that I am actually legitimately curious. I'm not just trying to make small talk. just like if I want to know if you've lost your v card or what happened to your dad, I'll directly ask you about those things as well. that's how I am. I want to know people. I want to hear stories. I want to understand. I'm not afraid to ask questions. 

so maybe I'm not shy after all? I just don't like engaging in small talk.

maybe I still don't know very much about me..