senioritis.

i've always been ashamed to openly talk about my age or grade because all of my friends are so much older than me. i hate bringing up the fact that i'm younger cause i feel like a little baby. BUT it's dumb to feel dumb about that. i should embrace where i'm at and who i am no matter what chumps think of me so, that being said, i'm oober excited to announce that in less than a week, i will be graduating from high school. i will have a normal graduation ceremony in a lovely playhouse in san gabriel with some family and close friends. i'm so excited to be done with high school. these last four years have been the hardest ever and even though high school is kind of easy and everyone passes, you have no idea how hard it was for me. i seriously shouldn't even pass because of how badly i did.

i'm having a graduation party next saturday and we're on a budget. as i'm juggling work and the last assignments for school, ALL i can think about is how i'm going to decorate for my party. i love this stuff. so far i have so many cute ideas in my mind and i just want the day to come so i can decorate and create and takes pictures already! i'm a square and i'm proud of it.

anyway. here's to 2012, being 18, graduated and lots of emotions.

Source: tipjunkie.com via Rachel on Pinterest

Source: diydesignfanatic.blogspot.com via Rachel on Pinterest

Source: dotdotdashdotcom.files.wordpress.com via Rachel on Pinterest

your cheatin' heart will tell on you.

last night I couldn't get to sleep, and this morning I woke up at 5am and have been up since. sometimes it doesn't matter, it doesn't bother me at all and i feel more confident towards my future. i have no problem waking up and moving on with my life. other days, it seems impossible. i feel so confused and frustrated, mostly at myself which if you ask me, is the most frustrating kind of frustration. "i could have done better. i could have tried harder. i could have made more risks" is what i repeat over and over in my mind. i feel like the problem is MINE. that I didn't do a good enough job. that I somehow failed and messed up.

but this isn't my fault. the whole entire time, i was myself. i acted the way i would have in any other situation. it's truly not my fault that i'm not more open. that i don't throw myself out there as much. that i don't convey my feelings by taking people's pants off. i'm more shy and reserved. it takes a lot to get to know me and lot of effort for me to trust you and open up to you. this isn't something i should be ashamed of or blame myself for. if you didn't fight for me, it's your loss. i feel like i made a good amount of effort and if that wasn't enough, so be it.

it's easy to blame people. if something goes wrong, we always have to point the finger. it doesn't matter if it's at ourselves, or the other party. just as long as someone is the problem, it seems that the problem is less bearable. the thing about this situation is i truly feel like there is no one to blame. as angry as i feel towards you and as hurt as i am, you did nothing wrong. you're a human and you're making some stupid decisions right now. i don't agree with them and it sucks because you won't find me here when it's all over, if you even care, but i can't blame you. you have no idea. and it didn't work out. that's neither your fault nor mine. it's just.... how life goes i suppose. it sucks and i hate it and it is what it is.

http://youtu.be/AQH3dS7LiIE

time to catch up.

I had the day off of work today. i've been needing to catch up on some homework and do some deep cleaning and my room & bathroom for a few weeks now, so i thought today be best to catch up on all that jazz.

i started the day off by waking up at 9:00 am and working on school. if you know me, that's early for me on a day off. 

i immediately began to clean. cleaning is a great way for me to process things and think about life. and when i'm in the mood to clean, i get a lot done.

after i finished a long day of cleaning, kelsey came over and we made tacos in honor of taco tuesday.

then for desert, we made chocolate chip cookie-oreo balls. mmmm. exactly 1 week ago, i started a diet called the atkins carbohydrates diet. during the day, you're only allowed to eat 3 carbs per food item. then at some point, you get 1 whole hour to eat anything you want. the main purpose for the hour thing is to eat nutritional things that have carbs like fruits, for example. of course, i just binge and inhale everything i see; fruits or not. luckily, the diet still works for me that way. so at the end of the day, when i'm enjoying a nice meal of tacos & choco chip/oreo cookies, i'm pretty pleased with how things are currently going. 

savannah came over and then the 4 of us watched one of my all time favorites; crazy, stupid love. i got to spend time with some of my favorite people, and i refurbished two old pairs of shoes i own.

today was one of the nicest days i've had in awhile. 

nice weather we're having, eh?

ever since I was little, I've thought of myself as being shy. of course once I feel close & comfortable with someone, the coyness melts away and I'm completely outgoing (can't get me to shut up). but it's hard for me to talk to strangers or people I don't know very well. part of the reason why it took me 2 years to get a job is because I never had the balls to talk to managers. even now while I'm at work, I avoid answering the phone as much as I can because I am terrified at the thought of talking to someone I don't know on the phone.

I've met some of my most favorite "celebs" and even those conversations were pretty empty because I was simply horrified. It's interesting because every time I tell my close peers (including my own mother) that I'm shy, they tell me I'm crazy. I respond by telling them they don't know what I'm feeling inside when I'm in a situation where I'm with people I don't know.

I've taken several quizzes and discovered that I am 50% introverted and 50% extroverted. I thrive off of being alone and off of being with others. that makes so much sense to me because there's times where I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I just want to have fun. so I'll say & do whatever I please. but then there's those times where I'm so paranoid and on edge about the silliest things. I think it goes hand in hand with my coy spirit.

I have this memory of when I was a little girl. my mom would introduce me to her adult friends and their not-so-adult children. I was so painfully shy that I would just close my eyes and hide behind my mom's pea-coat. now every time I feel uncomfortable, I'm put on the spot, I have to make a responsible/adult decision, etc. I imagine myself closing my eyes and hiding behind my mom's coat.

well, I discovered something about a year ago and a conversation I had with one of my best friends several weeks ago has got me stuck thinking about this issue of me being "shy."

I cannot stand small talk. the older I get, the more I'm faced with it. I absolutely dread the thought of empty conversations about things with no value. don't get me wrong, I appreciate when people who don't know me make an effort to get to know me by pleasantly talking about "their cat's new blanket" and such. but I'm such a get-to-the-point person. if I like you as a person, I want to know you. I want to know everything about you. so if you ever find me asking you about your dog or what your favorite color is, you can be sure that I am actually legitimately curious. I'm not just trying to make small talk. just like if I want to know if you've lost your v card or what happened to your dad, I'll directly ask you about those things as well. that's how I am. I want to know people. I want to hear stories. I want to understand. I'm not afraid to ask questions. 

so maybe I'm not shy after all? I just don't like engaging in small talk.

maybe I still don't know very much about me..

december. 10. 2011.

helplessness is a pretty empty feeling.
there's nothing really that i can do.
everything is out of my control, so i just need to make the decision to be happy, i suppose.

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief" - Ecclesiastes 1:18

oh, to be young.

december. 8. 2011.
i felt like a child. just lying on the floor with my head buried into my blanket. crying... wailing. begging "please, please, please. just let me have this. please. i just adore him. please." i was crying out to God, to crissa, to anyone who could hear me and answer my beg. to want something so much. to have such deep desires. i can feel the burn in my stomach. i can feel the ache in my heart. no matter how often i brush off the thoughts, or i refrain from saying anything regarding the situation, there is nothing i want more than this right now. i would give anything to have it. i would do anything. i know he isn't perfect and i know i'm not either. i know life wouldn't be perfect or happy or painless if i got my way, but it's worth it. i just want this so much. i can't express it enough. it's all i think about. it's all i feel. it's on the tip of my tongue at every moment. i literally have to tell myself not to talk about it or think about it. it's the most obnoxious yet beautiful and pure situation to be in.

i don't know what it means or if it even means anything. i don't know what he thinks. i don't know what will happen. i really don't know anything. i know that i just want this so much and i will do whatever i have to to get it.

these are the typical emotions of a 17 year old girl, hahaha.

someone teach me

how to find God outside of church
outside of religion
outside of groups
outside of clubs
outside of here say.

I just want God. nothing more and nothing less.